IRC Quotes

[Aqualis]

These are the ones that are safe to copy in full to the forums *hopes the word filter catches any residual vulgarities*:

http://www.bash.org/?240849
<Patrician|Away> what does your robot do, sam
<bovril> it collects data about the surrounding environment, then discards it and drives into walls

http://www.bash.org/?83627
<scirDSL> I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

http://www.bash.org/?329292
<Batty> Euch, rap is just missing one letter. c.
<zeep> rapc?
<Batty> ...
<Batty> Crap you idiot. you put the c on the other end
<zeep> oic
<Batty> Though you could also say it's missing an e
<zeep> wat is erap?
* Batty bangs his head repeatedly against a wall

http://www.bash.org/?362137
<reo4k> just type /quit whoever, and it'll quit them from irc
* luckyb1tch has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* r3devl has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* sasopi has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* phhhfft has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* blackersnake has quit IRC (r`heaven)
<ibaN`reo4k[ex]> that's gotta hurt
<r`heaven> :(

http://www.bash.org/?409
<DaZE> at my school.. the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints to show everyone... and he said "if i dont get all three of these back this schools getting locked down and everyones getting searched till i find it.." and like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see 'em and they got passed back the cop had 4

http://www.bash.org/?291262
<Mendo> lmao there's a wicked lookign spider on my monitor and if i move the mouse around he chases after it
<spitfire> haha mendo
<spitfire> take a screen shot
<spitfire> wait
<spitfire> that made no sense

http://www.bash.org/?12431
<Hiroe> he was dressed as a big duck devil
<Hiroe> like, HUGE costume
<Hiroe> 8-foot lizard wings, giant horns on the head
<Hiroe> at some anime con in california
<Hiroe> they were double booked with a southern Baptist group in the same hotel
<Hiroe> he's riding the elevator down to the con space
<Hiroe> doors open, little old baptist woman standing there
<Hiroe> he just says "Going Down" in his best evil voice

http://www.bash.org/?283491
<BronsonTheBeef> So we were supposed to have a guest speaker in one of my classes
<BronsonTheBeef> to talk about diversity and racism and poo today
<BronsonTheBeef> prof's never met him..
<BronsonTheBeef> in walks this super black gangsta ghetto dude
<BronsonTheBeef> he's got a 'pimp' chain around his neck, wearing FUBU everything
<BronsonTheBeef> has a gold watch and a ring on each finger, smells like pot and beer
<BronsonTheBeef> he even had a do-rag on and a cigarrette tucked behind his ear
<BronsonTheBeef> walks in in true rapper style flashing his crazy ghetto signs at us
<BronsonTheBeef> the prof's like...'are you... jeff?'
<BronsonTheBeef> he goes 'true dat, ho' and says 'you all my niggaz!' and he turns in a circle
<BronsonTheBeef> waving his arms in the air singing about 'niggaz in 'da house' or some poo
<BronsonTheBeef> so she tells him to give his speech on diversity and poo
<BronsonTheBeef> and he starts talkin about 'the man' and how 'white folk be dissin'
<BronsonTheBeef> then like a minute later this other black dude runs in dressed in a suit
<BronsonTheBeef> and says 'sorry I'm late'
<BronsonTheBeef> it turns out the first black dude was just baked. he doesn't even go to college
<BronsonTheBeef> he just wanted to buy weed in the dorms

http://www.bash.org/?99835
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vaccuums
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<TheXPhial> lava?

http://www.bash.org/?4753
<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

http://www.bash.org/?414593
DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

http://www.bash.org/?330261
<i8b4uUnderground> d-_-b
<BonyNoMore> how u make that inverted b?
<BonyNoMore> wait
<BonyNoMore> never mind

http://www.bash.org/?349567
Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh poo!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

http://www.bash.org/?171987
<Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler
<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao

http://www.bash.org/?127039
<wolf> 1. Save every Free Credit Card Offer you get, Put it in pile A
<wolf> 2. Save every Free Coupon You get, put that in pile B
<wolf> 3. Now open the credit card mail from pile A and find the Business
       Reply Mail Envelope.
<wolf> 4. Take the coupons from pile B and stuff them in the envelope you hold
       in your hand.
<wolf> 5. Drop the stuffed to the brim envelopes in your mail and walk away
       whistling.
<wolf> I have now received two phone calls from the credit card companies
       telling me that they received a stuffed envelope with coupons rather
       then my application. They informed me that it they are not pleased that
       they footed the bill for the crap I sent them. I reply with "It says
       Business Reply Mail" I'm suggesting coupons to you to ensure that your
       business is more successful. They promptly hang up on me.
<wolf> Now, I did this for about a month before it got boring, so I got an
       added idea! I added exactly 33 cents worth of pennies to the envelope
       so they paid EXTRA due to the weight. I got a call informing me about
       the money, I said it was a mistake and I demanded my change back. After
       yelling at the clerk and then to the supervisor they agreed to my
       demands and cut me a check for the money. I hold in my hand at this
       very moment a check from GTE Visa for exactly 33 cents.


And these are probably not safe, so I'll just link:

This one wouldn't make as much sense if it got filtered so: http://www.bash.org/?309397
http://www.bash.org/?180081
http://www.bash.org/?6460
http://www.bash.org/?670375
http://www.bash.org/?608100
http://www.bash.org/?416857
http://www.bash.org/?99060
http://www.bash.org/?287414
http://www.bash.org/?602698

[The Lady Shael]

Those are some of the most amazing quotes I've ever read.

[Ashyra Nightwing]

Ahaha. These are great.  :-D

[Aqualis]

More:

http://www.bash.org/?98450
Jakefeb3: do you know a turtles only weakness?
AvatarOfSolusek: no
AvatarOfSolusek: well
AvatarOfSolusek: thier slowness
Jakefeb3: there weakness is they cant roll over when they are on their backs
AvatarOfSolusek: lol
Jakefeb3: now i have a plan
Jakefeb3: if i duck tape 2 turtles together they are unstoppable

http://www.bash.org/?1660
<DigiGnome> Real life should have a duck search function, or something.
<DigiGnome> I need my socks.

http://www.bash.org/?127148
<Ich> I have passed the transitional stage of internet geekhood
<Ich> I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the code for plums, which is 4040.
<Ich> and the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in wrong.
<Ich> and the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404"
<Ich> and I actually laughed out loud

http://www.bash.org/?420855
gentoogod: omg dude
gentoogod: today i might the stupidest 3 people i ever met
gentoogod: thier 3 brains combined couldnt solve the dilemma they faced today
siral21: what was it
gentoogod: ok before i say this
gentoogod: 100% true, not one second of a lie
gentoogod: this lady went into mcdonalds today and ordered a big mac for her
gentoogod: and ordered 2 mcgrittles one for each kid. one had bacon one without
gentoogod: her sons are around 18 or 19 so not infants
gentoogod: she went to the counter furious cause the son that wanted bacon has no bacon on his and the one that didnt want bacon has bacon on his
gentoogod: i fell on the floor beside her and couldnt stop laughing
gentoogod: so i finally stood up and asked her to repeat, thinking maybe shes drunk
gentoogod: i swear to god she looked at me straight faced and repeated it. and her 2 sons were beside her mad that they didnt get the order they wanted

http://www.bash.org/?574642
* Porter is now known as PorterWITHGIRLFRIENDWHOISHOT
<Strayed> he shot his girlfriend?

http://www.bash.org/?98
<ikkenai> i don't have hard drives. i just keep 30 chinese teenagers in my basement and force them to memorize numbers

http://www.bash.org/?115
<BlackDeth> i like stalked this girl sorta :D
<BlackDeth> like once she asked me for a ride home from work
<BlackDeth> and i took her home... i dropped her off at her house
<BlackDeth> and shes like... wait a minute..how did you know where i lived?

http://www.bash.org/?1964
[01:33] (hilo21) ima looking for a site that seels amp
[01:33] (hilo21) ima looking for a site that seels amps
[01:33] (hilo21) iam looking for a site that seels amps
[01:34] (hilo21) I am looking for a site that sells amps
[01:35] (nexxai) how bout you look for a site that teaches english?
[01:35] (hilo21) duck you
[01:36] (nexxai) Lemme guess, you'd kick my butt, but can't read the road signs to get to my house?

http://www.bash.org/?507269
<acidwar> last night, tony and I decided to stop off on the way to the party to get some beer
<acidwar> we come out of the shop a few minutes later and there's a parking guy writing a ticket
<acidwar> tony goes up to him and asks him what the ticket's for, parking guy explains that the car is parked in a no standing zone
<acidwar> tony starts abusing him and tells him to cram it up his butt, so the guy writes a ticket for abusing him
<Nuzzler> haha
<acidwar> so tony gets up him even more, and every time he says something the guy writes another ticket
<acidwar> 14 tickets later, the guy gives up and walks off
<dendyh0> ...
<acidwar> and we both PISS ourselves laughing as we walk back to tony's car around the corner, leaving some poor doot with 14 parking fines :D
<dendyh0> AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
<Nuzzler> ROFL!!

http://www.bash.org/?628630
<samsim> I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo
<samsim> and got mauled
<samsim> and people were talking about how there should have been better defences put up to prevent people getting into the cage
<samsim> a friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent
<samsim> for example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in


http://www.bash.org/?13213



And now the site has temporarily stopped loading ...

[Aqualis]

http://www.bash.org/?431987
Gear Grinder X: once, we had these total freak seventh day advenist (or whatever) freak butt neighbors
Gear Grinder X: and this girl Lanna was a little younger than me
Gear Grinder X: she was a dog, and they were all totally religious
Gear Grinder X: she threw rocks at me once on my bike, and so I turned around, and went to run over here
Gear Grinder X: I was hauling butt, and you know what she did?
Gear Grinder X: put her hands on her hips, and stood there and said "The lord will protect me"
Gear Grinder X: well.... he didn't

http://www.bash.org/?276955
<Locke|Away> I found a note in one of my old word .docs that said Note to self: Get revenge on Valvados.
<Locke|Away> Except I couldn't remember what I was supposed to get revenge for.
<Locke|Away> But I trusted my own judgment, so I went with it.
<Valvados> ...
<Valvados> o.o
<Valvados> hmm
<Valvados> i dunno what you were supposed to get revenge for, either
<Locke|Away> I can only assume you got what was coming to you.  Not 100 percent sure, though.
<Valvados> well, whatever i did, i guess i deserved it
<Locke|Away> Let that possibly be a lesson to you.

http://www.bash.org/?426527
<green> We vegetarians love the environment. carnivores are sick freaks.
<Frank> How can vegetarians possibly love the environment.. you keep eating all the duck plants

http://www.bash.org/?587801
silic0nsilence: So it's black friday at CompUSA.
Slider: Yea
silic0nsilence: We were to open up at 12am. It's 11:58pm and there is a HUGE line of blood-thirsty, hard drive-wanting, maniacs. So my friend dares me to scream we have one xbox360.
Slider: Holy poo.
silic0nsilence: So he gives me $20. I go up to the gate and scream, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE JUST RECIEVED ONE XBOX360!!" Immediatly people are storming the gate, passing me money through the cage to get it. They were screaming and knocked over this old lady. My boss just looks at me with these red eyes. In them, I saw fear and rage.
Slider: Omg you dumb poo!
Slider: Wait a second, it's 12:46A, and it's black Friday. What did this happen minutes ago? Shouldn't you be at work?
silic0nsilence: Yeah..
silic0nsilence: Pretty sure I don't work at CompUSA any more..

http://www.bash.org/?217425
<Fireslide> next person to talk after his line will be kicked :)
<Fireslide> *this
* Fireslide was kicked by Fireslide (12?61912?)

http://www.bash.org/?1069
<orion`-`-> what the duck
<orion`-`-> i think the icecream truck just hit a kid
<orion`-`-> brbrb

http://www.bash.org/?367808
*** Zeron is now known as you
* you farted.
* you sigh in frustration.
* you lose
* you suck at life
*** Wildfyre is now known as our
* Goblin_Leecher thinks you need a life
* our conversation is entirely too weird
*** Goblin_Leecher is now known as we
* we are going stir crazy
* you are going a little too far
* our laughter fills the offices nearby.
* you are fired.
* we need new jobs
* you agree
* you wonder when this madness will end
* we are not sane
* you are correct
* our sanity has left?
<Talathar> you know...if a sane person were to walk in here...they'd be very very confused right about now...
* you are one with the matrix.

http://www.bash.org/?289218
<Cedaie> Your ignorance isn't helping.
<@KTottE> How am I ignorant?
<Cedaie> <@KTottE> Do it again, do it right - Ooh great help *clap* *clap*
<@KTottE> http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=ignorant
<@KTottE> Maybe the word you were searching for was http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=arrogant ?
<Cedaie> yeah thats the one
<Cedaie> Your arrogance isn't helping,
<@KTottE> Neither is your ignorance

http://www.bash.org/?281421
mdiym42: note to self
mdiym42: make sure your cat is not sleeping in the bass drum before you start playing them

http://www.bash.org/?15943
<SamGod> crap, not only does my everything hurt, I can't breath fresh air 'cuz all I smell is gasoline
<Coda> why do you smell gasoline SamGod?
<SamGod> Coda:  'cuz I smell like gasoline
<Coda> why?
<SamGod> Coda: I kinda happened to shove an exaust pipe in my sleve for warmth for a few hours last night
<Twist-> See? he is a psycho.
<SamGod> well, actually, I switched off between one sleve, then the other, then my pant leg, then the other, etc...
<Twist-> didn't occur to you to get inside the car?

http://www.bash.org/?105245
<Halibut> Oh dear
<Halibut> I just tried to swat a fly with my cursor



http://www.bash.org/?457037

[Gen. Volkov]

I laughed so hard at that last one, tears came to my eyes.

[The Lady Shael]

I read these in class this morning and practically had to bite my hand to stop from laughing out loud. Almost makes me want to chat on IRC again and just watch what people say.

[Aqualis]

http://www.bash.org/?9293
<egg> i had beer for breakfast yesterday
<Raz> egg: I had YOU for breakfast yesterday
<Raz> BECAUSE YOUR NAME IS "EGG." AND I HAD AN EGG I AM A COMEDY GENIUS
<egg> Raz: If that were so, i'd be playing havoc with your colon
<Raz> egg: You did :[

http://www.bash.org/?20541
<JBurna> lol you got free AOL knowin AOL sucks butt
<Demi> Its
<Demi> Free.
<@Prowler> So is gum on the bottom of chairs.

http://www.bash.org/?238718
<ShajJee> i am muslim and i never belive on sex
<jackfig> oh, that's good
<Dormir> congrats
<ShajJee> and a muslim can never do sex with anyone
<jackfig> ummm, then why are there so  many of them?

http://www.bash.org/?644110
(@nd): i should find a hobby
(@nd): other than drinking
(@rawby): put your beer in the freezer
(@rawby): then take up licking

http://www.bash.org/?608693
<ensis> Well folks, I'm off to the farm
<ensis> I can actually say that too, how funny
<Bomp> They're lying
<Bomp> You're going to be put down

http://www.bash.org/?98040
<q[merlyn]> lem... know any good austin Perl hackers for hire?
<q[merlyn]> I'm on a hunt for one for a friend.
<archon> for a job?
<Stupid_> No, in his spare time merlyn bow-hunts for perl programmers by their scent.

http://www.bash.org/?11588
<pfk> oh its may 21st..almost time for my bath

http://www.bash.org/?21877
<demografik> duck! i attempted to make cinnamon toast but i failed. lets just say i have an overabundance of chicken seasoning toast.

[Blood Wake]

those last ones sucked

[Aqualis]

yeah ... but i'm tired now, and more easily amused

i especially liked the one about toast

[Neobaron]

<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vaccuums
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<TheXPhial> lava?

Funny is complete.

Win.

[Gen. Volkov]

I liked the second ones. Especially:

<q[merlyn]> lem... know any good austin Perl hackers for hire?
<q[merlyn]> I'm on a hunt for one for a friend.
<archon> for a job?
<Stupid_> No, in his spare time merlyn bow-hunts for perl programmers by their scent.

Hilarious. Toast one was good too.

[Arguia Zsah]

Those are amazing -laughs-

[Peace Alliance]

i want more so badly!

[kell]

> 
>
> Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
>
> Female customer: A white one...
>
>
>
> ===============
>
>
>
> Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
> Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
> Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
> Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
> Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... Sorry....
>
>
> ===============
>
>
> Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
> Customer: Your left or my left?
>
>
> ===============
>
>
> Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
> Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
> Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
> Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not
Bill Gates.
>
>
> ===============
>
>
> Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every
time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer
and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he
can't find it...
>
>
> ============== =
>
>
> Customer: I have problems printing in red...
> Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
> Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
>
>
> ===============
>
>
> Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
> Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
>
>
> ===============
>
>
> Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
> Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
> Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
> Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
> Customer: ! OK
> Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
> Customer: Yes
> Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
> Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
>
>
> ===============
>
>
> Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
> Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
>
>
> == =============
>
>
> Customer: can't get on the Internet.
> Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
> Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
> Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
> Customer: Five stars.
>
>
> ===============
>
>
> Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
> Customer: Netscape.
> Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
> Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
>
>
> ===============
>
>
> Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
>
>
> ===============
>
>
> Tech support: How may I help you?
> Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
> Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
> Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?
>
>
> ===============
>
>
> A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.
> Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
> Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."
>
>
> ===============
>
>
> And last but not least...
>
> Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
> Customer: I don't have a P.
> Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
> Customer: What do you mean?
> Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.
> Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!