Wyanor's book. Copyright 2013

[Wyanor]

     Due to privacy reasons I have withdrawn the piece of my book. I would like to thank Firetooth for his extremely helpful and good advice. :) I of course realize modifications must be made. Every time I go to write, I fing myself fixing things over and over again. I want detail, many people though I had enough but I will add more like you said I should because I had been thinking I needed more anyway.

[Firetooth]

Ok, there is not much here for me to get a sense of the story, but I am going to suggest a few things here on your writing style itself. Do not take this as me being mean, but I think there are some ways you can improve. A lot of these are common mistakes, so don't feel bad. I also am not an author, and not even studying English at the moment, so my advice and examples are far from perfect. Anyways:

-> Use a few less simple sentences
-> Be a bit more descriptive when describing places. Your writing could really use some more vivid imagery. This is hard, and something a lot of writers struggle with. It is difficult to get an image of what the forest looks like, for example. Furthermore, the descriptive writing used is usually not that vivid, for example "a black dragon a red background". I would suggest you to try to make this more exciting, such as "a great black adorned the crimson surface of Mallgory's kite shield, which was as large as [whatever]." This is also an improvement as it gives a sense of the shield's size, whereas just large does not convey how large. One good way to improve your descriptive writing is through uses of techniques such as metaphors, similes and personification. These all help a location feel more alive. For example, I do not profess to be a particularly skilled writer, but here is something I wrote a while ago. It is far from perfect, but I feel it could still be useful here:

It was autumn, and the trees were stripped bare, their dressing of leaves scattered around their naked bases. The night was old, and the moon, almost full, was high in the sombre night sky. A barricade of thick clouds smothered the silver light of the moon, plunging the landscape it watched over into a suffocating darkness.
   The grip of night was strong on the sloping hills and fields of Thrammin. A harsh wind blew across the once verdant land, sweeping through the barren fields and skirting around the village like a murmur, a whisper.
   A warning.
   A trodden and battered road snaked its way across this landscape, leading to the refuge of Thrammin. Usually only travelling merchants crossed to the wretched village, but this night three horses beat their hooves across the path, urged on by riders almost as cold and piercing as the wind that tore at their crimson cloaks.

-> Flesh out scenes more. It's not really clear what the animals are doing in the forest at the start, or why they leave
-> Use a bit more inventive language and phrases in your sentences. "He went to reinforce..." and "The wild men..." are both very direct sentences, that don't really use any techniques. It reads more like a list than motives.
-> Try to be a bit more subtle when describing a characters description. Instead of just stating what he is wearing, try to interweave their appearance into other things. For example, instead of saying "Bob had blue eyes," you could say "Mandy could see the fear in his [Bob's] blue eyes."
-> Use tenses correctly. It should be "a hawk screeched, a dying rabbit screamed and all fell silent."
-> Show, don't tell. It may be more effective to precede this passage with wild men attacking a town or such from Ravencroft, so you don't have to state this here.

[Camaclue]

[Genevieve]

You've written it as if they're all wearing the same one outfit, like this:

[Ungatt Trunn II]

Did you just draw that for the sole purpose of demonstrating your point?

[Krowdon]

You've written it as if they're all wearing the same one outfit, like this:

oh mY GOD I'M GONNA DIE.

[Shadow]

You've written it as if they're all wearing the same one outfit, like this:

I may enable the karma feature specifically to give you lots for this post

[Wyanor]

You've written it as if they're all wearing the same one outfit, like this:

I may enable the karma feature specifically to give you lots for this post

This is a funny picture. And it is odd that you should interpret it that way. You only did it for an excuse to be mean to me. But I understand, I have been an butt.

[Shadow]

gen made a funny post and I acknowledged it, it had nothing to do with being mean to yo

[Wyanor]

It's fine. I got rid of the book piece for security not because anyone upset me. If he was being mean I don't care. I have it coming. The post was fine to me. Actually interesting. But I still don't know how he would get that idea from the reading. Im sure he knew dang sure I didn't mean all the men had on the same outfit. LOL. Anyway I changed it so it definitely doesn't sound like that.

[Genevieve]

You said something like "they all wore a tunic and cap", rather than "they each wore a tunic and cap" or "they wore tunics and caps". It just sounded weird to me. And I was in major procrastination mode.

[Wyanor]

Well honestly, thank you for pointing it out. I changed it to "they each wore a cap" etc. The reader is the best critic. :)

[Camaclue]

someone make a pointless post please

[Durza]

As you say sir

[Camaclue]

I can't