Jokes

[Stella Remorse]

"Hello, my name is Case, Justin Case"
" Just in Case?"
" NO! Justin Case."
Just in Case What?"
* Justin facepalms and walks off, leaving a very puzzled client behind.*

[Ungatt Trunn II]

You are home to watch Pravda on televisir about degenerate murderer who is on the loose. You look out the window door to beet field, and you notice Man standing in the snow. He look like foto on televisir and he smile at you. You gulp vodka, picking up fone to your right and dialing Local Militia Precinct Commissar. Back out the glass you look, pressing fone to ear. Notice he now closer to you. You drop vodka in shock.
No footprints in snow. It was reflection. You dullard!
Your apartment is bulldozed down to make way for glorious tractor factory.

[Ungatt Trunn II]

Mother and father get little tired from building Communism, so they want to go to Moscow to buy vodka. They call most trusted babysitter. When babysitter arrives, children already sleep in beds. Babysitter just sits around and make sure everything good with children. Later that night, babysitter gets bored and goes to read Marx, but she can't read downstairs because there's no electricity (parents dodn't want children reading Marx all night long). So, she calls parents and asks if she can get candles to read Marx in their room. Of course, the parents say it okay, but babysitter has one final request. She ask if she could cover up Lenin statue outside the bedroom window with blanket or cloth, because it makes her nervous. Phone line is silent for moment, and father who say, "Take children and get out of house. We will call milita. We do not have Lenin statue." Militia find all three of house occupants dead because KGB kill them for trying to cover Lenin statue. Then militia arrest parents for not having Lenin statue. Such is life in Moscow.

[Stella Remorse]

Mother and father get little tired from building Communism, so they want to go to Moscow to buy vodka. They call most trusted babysitter. When babysitter arrives, children already sleep in beds. Babysitter just sits around and make sure everything good with children. Later that night, babysitter gets bored and goes to read Marx, but she can't read downstairs because there's no electricity (parents dodn't want children reading Marx all night long). So, she calls parents and asks if she can get candles to read Marx in their room. Of course, the parents say it okay, but babysitter has one final request. She ask if she could cover up Lenin statue outside the bedroom window with blanket or cloth, because it makes her nervous. Phone line is silent for moment, and father who say, "Take children and get out of house. We will call milita. We do not have Lenin statue." Militia find all three of house occupants dead because KGB kill them for trying to cover Lenin statue. Then militia arrest parents for not having Lenin statue. Such is life in Moscow.

That is really horrible Ungatt.

[Ungatt Trunn II]

Once I hear story about girl in Chaplygin. She was asleep in her bed, when she feel lick on her hand. She thinks it is dog and goes to sleep. Next morning, she finds note on dresser with dead head of dog. It says "Capitalists can lick too." She screams.
Father comes upstairs, takes belt off and beats her. Moral of story is daughters should not yell in house like peasant. House is not Siberian pigsty. I worry daughter will never find good Russian husband.

[Krowdon]

Once I hear story about girl in Chaplygin. She was asleep in her bed, when she feel lick on her hand. She thinks it is dog and goes to sleep. Next morning, she finds note on dresser with dead head of dog. It says "Capitalists can lick too." She screams.
Father comes upstairs, takes belt off and beats her. Moral of story is daughters should not yell in house like peasant. House is not Siberian pigsty. I worry daughter will never find good Russian husband.

Is hard to find good Russian husband these days.

[Ungatt Trunn II]

One night man tries escape from gulag.
Makes his way to cabin in middle of tundra. Inside is plain, but many family pictures on walls. He falls asleep. In middle of night he is put in sack and dragged out. The next morning he is shot like dog.
Pictures are windows. KGB always watching.

[Firetooth]

I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.

[Camaclue]

[stormsight]

more russia jokes please

[Ungatt Trunn II]

I check into small hotel a few kilometers from Kiev. It is late. I am tired. I tell woman at desk I want a room. She tells me room number and give key. "But one more thing comrade; there is one room without number and always lock. Don't even peek in there." I take key and go to room to sleep. Night comes and I hear trickling of water. It comes from the room across. I cannot sleep so I open door. It is coming from room with no number. I pound on door. No response. I look in keyhole. I see nothing except red. Water still trickling. I go down to front desk to complain. "By the way who is in that room?" She look at me and begin to tell story. There was woman in there. Murdered by her husband. Skin all white, except her eyes, which were red. I tell her I don't give a poo. Stop the water trickling or give me refund. She gave me 100 ruble credit and free breakfast. Such is life in Moscow

[Ungatt Trunn II]

In Russia, coffin has pipe for air, and bell with string. If man is true Soviet, he does not die. When buried, yells for undertaker and rings bell. Bell rings. Is no wind.
Undertaker asks - "Are you lady Gorbochev?"
Voice says "Da!"
"Born winter of 1927?"
"Da!"
"Gravestone says 'Died 20 February, 1957"
"Niet, am still living!"
"Am sorry, but is August. In June, ground will thaw. You must wait for June."
And woman is true Soviet, waits for June.

[Ungatt Trunn II]

Unpopular state worker becomes butt of many joke. Day after unfortunate tractor accident, comrades from her village place severed arm in unpopular state worker's bed, and wait for morning to laugh. Morning comes and they enter room to find her eating arm. Horror results, because arm is enough to feed three comrades, and she will not share!

[Camaclue]

Ungatt this is appalling.
MORE

[Ungatt Trunn II]

Tractors, KGB and beets seem to be a reaccuring theme for these stories.

One night, comrade Yuri Volkov finds a picture. It shows capitalist pig on tractor with smile on face. "What is it so happy about," thinks Yuri. It deserves to be shot for insolence toward the motherland.
But Yuri soon becomes sick. His wife is worried, and doctor says is not a virus, but happy capitalist pig tractor did this. When Yuri shows his wife picture of insolent dog, she faints and Yuri feeling better. Yuri goes to show picture to his friends, but they report brother Yuri to KGB. He is shot for spreading capitalist pig propaganda.
Motherland does not tolerate such behavior.