Funny Quotes

[The Lady Shael]

 "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we really need?" - Lee Iaccoca

I love this one...

"That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jacka$s, and I'm just the one to do it." -A Texas congressman

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Winston Bennett

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, Florida State Football Coach

"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." - Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." - Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

"Can you get a ticket for running a stop sign that is not
there?" - Driver school applicant

"We're going to move left and right at the same time." - Jerry Brown, Governor of California

""I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad." - Julian Wakefield, Missouri basketball player

[Rough Raiders]

 "Guns dont kill people... Postal Workers do."
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who cant.

[Trident]

 There are 3 kinds of people in the world; those who can count, and those who can't.

[Rough Raiders]

 I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that? ~Joe T
How do I set the laser printer to stun? ~Joe T
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.~???

[Aqualis]

 "Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

"The team has come along slow but fast."
- Casey Stengel, Baseball player/manager

"I think the team that wins Game 5 will win the series. Unless we lose Game 5."
- Charles Barkley, NBA Basketball Player

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President

"Most lies about blondes are false."
- Cincinnati Times-Star, headline

"If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President on the concept of a manned mission to Mars

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
- David Acfield

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games."
- David Garcia, baseball team manager

"Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something."
- Dennis Rodman, NBA Basketball player, on Chicago Bull's team chemistry being overrated

"We're just physically not physical enough."
- Denny Crum, Louisville basketball coach

"Weather forecast: precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon."
- Detroit Daily News

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

"The world is more like it is now then it ever has before."
- Dwight Eisenhower

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."
- Everett Dirksen, Congressman

"Boxing?s all about getting the job done as quickly as possible, whether it takes 10 or 15 or 20 rounds."
- Frank Bruno, Boxer

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President

"It is white."
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel

"If you think is was an accident, applaud."
- Geraldo Rivera, talk show host, to his audience on Natalie Wood's drowning

"I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity."
- Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House

"Does the album have any songs you like that aren't on it?
- Harry News, music reviewer

"Coming on to pitch is Mike Moore, who is six-foot-one and 212 years old."
- Herb Score, Sportscaster

"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
- Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons

"I don't want to ever, ever do something in life that isn't fun. Ever."
- Jennifer Love Hewitt, Actress, in the February Cosmopolitan.

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to."
- Linda Evangelista, Supermodel

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
- Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota.

I"The largest crowd ever in the state of Las Vegas."
- Mark Jones, TV Broadcaster

"Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding."
- Mickey Rivers, baseball player

"I'm a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife."
- Mike Greenwell, Baseball player

"If only faces could talk..."
- Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl

"All of the Mets' road wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium."
- Ralph Kiner, NY Sportscaster

"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

"Permitted vehicles not allowed."
- Road sign on US 27

"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man."
- Samuel Goldwyn

"SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt - prepare for accident."
- Sign on backseat of Taxi

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
- Terry Venables

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."

In the office of a Roman doctor:
"Specialist in women and other diseases."

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
"English well talking."
"Here speeching American."

At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop: Drive Sideways.

When translated into Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off".

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life".

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty".

A warning to motorists in Tokyo: "When a passenger of the foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet at him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor."

In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel toweles please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read this notice.

In a Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

Text on a shopping bag showing yachts on a blue sea: "SWITZERLAND: SEASIDE CITY".

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato".

Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.

"Suicide Hotline...please hold."

Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

(With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What?
Oh.. we're not home, leave a message.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
" beep " Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

[The Lady Shael]

 Aaaah, you stole those from the same site I stole most of mine...I got my first two from a different site though...

[calria]

 "Are you lactating?"

-"Got Milk?" ad campaign, when origianlly translated in Mexico

[Trident]

 It's cool to hit people. -Christopher Ashton Kutcher
It's funny when friends get hurt.  -Christopher Ashton Kutcher
Shutting up...shutting up- Jonathon B.
Warning for trampoline- Do not land on head or neck.  Serious injury can occur. -Whoever the heck sold us our trampoline

[Beem]

 Warning on sunrise peanut package- "Warning contains nuts."
Instructions on American Airlines snack peanuts.  ?Step one open package.  Step two eat nuts."

"To ensure our spot in the future, we need to remember one word, just one word.  That one word is, be prepared for the times ahead." -Bush

"By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
Socrates

"For there's one thing to be sure of, mate-
There's nothing to be sure of."
-Pippin

"I want my life to be something more than long."
-Pippin

"For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror, which we still are just able to endure."
-Rainer Maria Rilke,

"If she's the crazy one, why am I the one talking to myself?  Better yet, why am I waiting for a reply?" Daria, alone in her room.

"Ahh yes, they are miniscule aren't they." Jane, when told she was good at her little painting things.

 "The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
Marty Feldman.

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright.  

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
lance Cavett.

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld.  

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright.  

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
A. Whitney Brown

"If it weren't for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry

[Stormclaw]

 "Right, yes, so a pen is mightier than a sword- but which would you rather be hit with?" -- Terry Pratchett (Paraphrased)